Weekend Listomania: Special "Rhythm is an Outmoded Western Conception*" Audio/Video Edition

[An early version of this originally ran here in 2008, and obviously words fail me. I've rewritten a lot of it, dropped one entry and added three new ones, on the theory that the less I look like a geezer slacker, the better. In the meantime, enjoy. -- S.S.]

Well, it's Friday and you know what that means.

Yes, my Oriental arm candy/stress management expert Fah Lo Suee and I will be taking an emergency meeting with the Prince of Darkness, i.e., Satan himself. Trying to figure out what we're supposed to do now that we're living in a Retro-Nazi fascist dictorship under that weirdo Trump guy with the heavy orange make-up.

That being the case, further posting by moi will be sporadic for a day or two.

In the meantime, then, here's a hopefully fun little project for us all:

Most Memorable Drums, Drumming or Drum Simulation on a Post-Elvis Pop/Rock/Folk/Soul/R&B/Hip-Hop Record!!!

Arbitrary rules: No actual drum solos, per se, unless they're deliberately brief show-off kind of things. You know -- like two measures, tops. Fills, more than solos.

Also: No jazz or jazz-rock records need apply. And absolutely NO prog-rock or fusion. Seriously, I couldn't care less if Bill Bruford can play in 12/8 or whatever, and if you try to sneak any of that crap onto the list I will come to your house and rip your lungs out with a set of fireplace tongs.

Other than that, though, pretty much anything goes.

BTW, my own choices here, as you'll see, have more to do with sound and vibe and sheer novelty than with great drumming or any musical expertise per se.

And my Totally Top of My Head Top Ten is:

10. The Knack -- My Sharona

The quite amazing (and underrated) Bruce Gary on drums. C'mon -- that intro? It doesn't get any better.

9. The Miracles -- The Tracks of My Tears

Funk Brother Uriel Jones on drums. Those between verse breaks are just astounding in their sublety and power.

8. Esquerita -- Esquerita and the Voola

An utterly confounding record, beginning with the idea that somebody at Capitol in 1958 actually thought that this howling weirdness could be a hit. That said, although the track's mise-en-scene clearly belongs to its crazed auteur, I think we can all agree that Esquerita would have been nowhere without the credited-on-the-label drumming of Ricardo Young. Kudos and huzzahs to both of them, obviously.

7. Cozy Cole -- Topsy Parts 1 & 2

This was a double sided smash in 1958, although (as you'll note) I've always been partial to the more popular B-side, if only for the spoken introduction, delivered by Cole (one assumes) with just the right note of on-the-nod aplomb. In any case, few who've ever heard this have been able to resist the temptation to drum along with whatever utensils were immediately at hand.

6. The Beatles -- Long Tall Sally

Ringo, making the dawn come up like thunder. The fact that there are still people out there who think he couldn't play just blows my tiny mind.

5. Outkast -- Hey Ya!

Apparently, the video notwithstanding, there is no actual drummer on this, i.e. it's all programmed or computerized or whatever. Frankly, I don't care -- this is one of the most kick-ass tracks of its decade.

4. The Wonders -- Dance With Me Tonight

From That Thing You Do -- Tom Hanks simulacrum Tom Everett Scott as Guy Patterson, my favorite fictional drummer of all time is playing the clip. In real life, nobody seems to be quite sure who actually plays that killer drum part.

3. The Legendary Stardust Cowboy-- Paralyzed

A perennial candidate for worst rock record ever made, obviously, but producer T. Bone Burnett's contribution, as the song's trash-can drum soloist, can't be over-emphasized. Titular star The Ledge (as he is known to his friends) has never had backing as sympathetic.

2. The Rolling Stones -- Honest I Do

A Jimmy Reed cover, and as laid back as that entails, but seriously -- Charlie Watts plays the entire song using only one hand. I'm not making this up -- just listen to it. And if you still don't believe me, get me drunk sometimes and I'll mime to the track and prove the point.

And the numero uno assault on those pagan skins (perhaps only metaphorically) clearly is...

1. The Roues Brothers -- Gloria

For my money, the definitive live version of the Van Morrison/Them proto-punk classic. Some asshole whose name rhymes with Sleeve Nimels is on vocals; listen for history's greatest drum solo, by my hero Ed Steinberg, beginning at approximately 5:04.

Okay -- and what would YOUR choices be?

And have a great weekend, everybody!!!

[*H/T once and future Weasels drummer Michael Sorrentino, who actually said it and meant it.]