Tales from the Crypt

So I was looking at a 1993 issue of the Magazine Formerly Known as Stereo Review over the weekend, and chanced across a bit of snark I'd totally forgotten. And which cracked me up.

SARAH BRIGHTMAN
Dive
A&M 31454 0083 (52 min)
Enya on helium? New Age electro-pop from hell? Whatever it is, it's courtesy of the Phantom of the Opera ingenue formerly married to the equally annoying Andrew Lloyd Webber, and I say get it outta here. Docked numerous points for a horrendous cover of Procol Harum's "A Salty Dog," which the without-a-clue chanteuse strips of all melodic interest or drama. -- S.S.

We used to run like half a page of those little mini-blurbs (called Quick Fixes -- my title) every issue, and it was pretty much my favorite thing to write for the pop review section. I literally could say anything I wanted and nobody gave me any editorial grief. Ah, those were the days.

Oh, BTW, -- here's that Brightman version of "A Salty Dog." I'm pleased to discover that it's as bad as I made it out at the time.

P.S.: From an actual contemporary review (not sure by who) of the Broadway Phantom -- "Sarah Brightman couldn't act scared on the IRT at 4 in the morning!" 😎