Friday, March 28, 2014

Weekend Listomania Retro: Special There's No Need For That! Video Edition

For those of you playing at home, I originally posted this one back in 2008, but obviously the statute of limitations has run out by now, so here we go again.


No arbitrary rules, except don't give me any of that celebrity shit. In other words, Sebastian Cabot or William Shatner or any of the rest of the Rhino Golden Throats crowd need not apply.

Incidentally, I've rewritten this slightly, i.e. the original number one choice was David Bowie's "Let's Spend the Night Together." But like I said last week, I think I've flogged that particular deceased equine on one or two many occasions.

Okay -- my strictly off the top of my head Top Six is:

6. A tie.

"I Can't Make You Love Me" -- Bon Iver...


"Rocky Raccoon" -- James Blunt

My theory on those two is that these guys were just fucking with us. But who knows -- maybe they were serious?

5. "Signs" -- Tesla

This was an egregiously stupid song the first time around...

...but I am convinced the hair metal morons in Tesla actually thought it was cool.

4. "A Hard Rain's Gonna Fall" -- Bryan Ferry

In which Ferry, possibly the stupidest man in the history of pop music, decides that the only way to improve a Bob Dylan song is to add sound effects.

3. "The Ballad of John and Yoko" -- Hootie and the Blowfish

This is so bad you can't even find it on the intertubes, but trust me -- it was real. You have no idea how awful.

2. "White Lines (Don't Do It)" -- Duran Duran

Because nothing says hip hop culture more than a pasty white guy named Simon Le Bon.

And the number one absolutely most disgusting cover version that has ever been heard by the ears of sentient mammalian bipeds clearly is ---

1. "Ticket to Ride" -- Maroon 5

Has there ever been a successful band with less of a reason to live? I think not.

Seriously -- they're like a black hole of anti-charisma.

Awrighty then -- what would YOUR choices be?

[h/t a certain Shady Dame from Brooklyn]


MJConroy said...

Maroon 5's "All My Loving" was worse. When I watched that I was wondering if the drummer knew what song they were playing:

Anonymous said...

I've always been mystified by the Dead's fondness for performing "Good Lovin'"

Brooklyn Girl said...

Annie Lennox's "Whiter Shade of Pale" takes an eccentric song, tries to be even more eccentric, and fails.

I love Linda Ronstadt's voice, and I am sorry it has been silenced, but she really should never have tried to sing rock & roll --- even with a kick-ass band, her "Tumbling Dice" comes across like someone trying out for a talent competition.

And U2 should also stay away from the Stones, as well as Bruce, and anything based in the blues ---

Anonymous said...

Ronstadt's "new wave" album, with "Can't Let Go" and the Costello and Lowe covers, rocks okay. not even going to call it a guilty pleasure.

cthulhu said...

Not being one to pass up any chance to kick David Bowie, his cover of "I Can't Explain" is mannered ridiculosity at its worst.

And proving that Bowie stupidity knows no bounds, how about Nirvana's cover of Bowie's "The Man Sold The World"? They took a bad, bad song and made it worse by Cobain singing it even more earnestly than Bowie did.

Sammy Hagar-era Van Halen used to cover the Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again" in concert; I saw a clip of it once and it quickly became my top reason why all versions of Van Halen should just die in a fire (but that's a long, long list anyway).

steve simels said...

That Van Halen Who cover is actually frightening me too much to look for it.

senormedia said...

Right about Tesla, egregiously wrong about 5MEB. :)

pete said...

The Doors' "Back Door Man." To quote Paul Butterfield: "Some white people should not sing the blues."

steve simels said...

I actually love Robbie Krieger's guitar on that.

Anonymous said...

This reminded me why I dislike Bryan Ferry so much.

Allan R.

MJConroy said...

Michael Bolton - When A Man Loves A Woman:

This is pretty hideous, Cat Power - (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction:

Limp Bizkit Behind Blue Eyes-

Hannes A. Jónsson said...

Bad cover versions? Don't get me started.

However, to be fair to Mr. Blunt, I feel inclined to point out that "Rocky Racoon" was a piece of shit to begin with. Pardon my French.

Phil Cheese said...

The latest, most terrible cover I have heard is Lorde doing Swingin' Party.

edward said...

Joan Jett's version of Road Runner is horrible, made worse by the fact she is proud of changing the lyrics to "Got the FM radio on."
To borrow from Lisa Simpson, she got the facts and missed the point.

steves said...

I'll go Brooklyn Girl one step better...U2 should be banned from performing any covers at all.

Oh...and Guns & Roses "Knocking on Heaven's Door"...for the win.

Alzo said...

A lot of hate here for Bowie- although I've always taken him with a grain of critical salt, I gotta say the Pin-Ups LP is a worthy batch of covers and the band is great (Aynsley Dunbar can do no wrong). But the topic here being bad covers, I'll nominate Madonna's tepid run-thru of 'American Pie.'

Anonymous said...

Bowie's glam remakes are so odd, I get a kick out of them. And U2's cover of Night & Day is so bizarrely misconceived, I can't bring myself to hate it; only laugh at it. It's tepid, warmed-over covers, like Natalie Merchant's Because the Night and Sympathy for the Devil, that really annoy me. And I overheard somewhere a cover of Behind Blue Eyes done by what sounded like a white metal band, smoothing over the angry middle bit and playing the whole as a whimpering ballad. Godawful, it was.

Anonymous said...

Hello all...please remain seated,

Late to the party but any list like this simply must include Ryan Adams version of Wonderwall. If you haven't already been traumatized by hearing it, do not, I NOT look it up on YouTube. Sometimes you simply must place trust in the advice of others.


Anonymous said...

Around 1975, a singer named Ronnie Charles did a cover, with the London Symphony Orchestra (!) backing him up, of Derek & The Dominos' "Layla" (!!). I still own a copy on a vinyl single (on the 20th Century label) and it's one of those records that I put on the turntable when I play "CAN YOU BELIEVE SOMEONE ACTUALLY TRIED THIS??..." with some of my collector pals. I suppose Mr. Charles might have been hoping for the majesty of, say, Bill Medley singing over a Phil Spector production but... in reality, he comes off sounding like the dreaded Michael Bolton's spiritual father or brother. I believe you can dial up this track now on YouTube, but, be warned, it's pretty histrionic.

J. Lag