Friday, April 13, 2012

Weekend Listomania: Special "Beauty May Be Skin Deep, But Ugly is to the Bone" Edition

Well, it's Friday and you know what that means. Yes, my Oriental blah blah blah Fah Lo Suee and I are off to somewhere to do something with somebody sometime, which is to say I have no joke this week, political or otherwise.

Sorry.

But since things will, as per usual, doubtless be a little quiet around here for a couple of days, herewith a hopefully amusing little project to help us fill, at least for a few idle hours, the voids that comprise the hellish emptiness of our lives:

Least Attractive Post-Elvis Male Pop/Rock Solo Artist or Group -- And By Least Attractive We Mean "How the Hell Did He/They Ever Achieve Success, Even Briefly?"

No arbitrary rules, since this is all in the eye of the beholder, obviously. But I would like to state for the record that I am not -- repeat: NOT -- ever going to do the distaff version of this particular Listomania. And 'why is that?" you might ask.

Because I'm not fucking stupid, that's why.

Okay, and moving right along, my totally top of my head Top Five is/are:

5. Gino Vanelli



Somebody thought this guy was hot, apparently, but he just gave me the creeps. It must be a Canadian thing.

4. Carl Perkins



A great musician and songwriter, but let's be honest -- there's a reason he wasn't as big as Presley. I should add that the toupee of Carl's later years was perhaps even sillier than whatever the hell is currently sitting on Donald Trump's head.

3. Metallica



Okay, Lars had a certain teen appeal back in the day, but the rest of them? Yipes.

2. Fucked Up (Damian Abraham)



Saw this guy interviewed on TV somewhere and he's really smart, funny and politically savvy. But sweet Jeebus -- I once endured a cell-phone club show video of the band featuring a shirtless Abraham, and frankly there's a part of me that's never coming back; there's a part of me that's gone forever.

And the Numero Uno these-guys-were-definitely-wupped-with-the-ugly-stick act of them all simply has to be...

1. Uriah Heep



The world's longest running, least photogenic and most clueless heavy metal band -- the real Spinal Tap, in other words, and what a fabulous comedy of errors their bio pic would be. How ugly were they? There is a story -- perhaps apocryphal, but I believe it -- that when the above video debuted on (the then fledgling) MTV, the album from which it was the single literally stopped selling overnight; in fact, it was such a disaster that the band's management had to beg the network to stop airing the thing.

Alrighty then -- who would your choices be?

29 comments:

Ms. Rosa said...

MC5, 13th Floor Elevators, The Rolling Stones, and The Flaming Groovies - none of them would sound as good if they were handsome.

Sal Nunziato said...

How about Ian Anderson with those stupid tights and his balls and scraggly beard and that flute?

edward said...

Miss Togar: Those Ramones are peculiar.
Police Chief Klein: They're ugly. Ugly, ugly people.

Shriner said...

Ric Ocasek,

Timbuk3 (both of them...)

KISS (sans makeup) -- OK, Eric Carr was good looking, but, like Lars, he was behind the drums...


Mouth (of Mouth & McNeal fame...)

If you limited this to 1970s artists, man, it would be a long, long list. "Faces made for radio" was all over that decade...

The Phantom Creep said...

Canned Heat.

I have great love and respect for Bob Hite and Alan Wilson, but boy, did they not look like pop stars.

Gummo said...

Don't know about ugly, but there's plenty of plain, dumpy rock stars:

Roy Orbison.
Steve Miller.
Van Morrison (yes, I can hear the shrieks of outraged Vanatics everywhere, but come on)
Pigpen.

And Pete Townsend is nobody's idea of good looking. Dylan had a certain doomed-to-die appeal around '66 but now? Yeesh.

But wasn't that part of the appeal of post-Beatles rock? That an artist didn't have to be conventionally pretty?

edward said...

Shane McGowen of the Pogues possibly the ugliest man in Rock n Roll, if only for the teeth.

Anonymous said...

Dee Snyder

Fee Waybill

Meat Loaf (or, as the NYT referred to him, "Mr. Loaf")

Frank Zappa

Donald Fagan

Keith Richards was cute back at the beginning, but now he looks like he's covered in tree bark.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous was me ...

Gummo said...

now he looks like he's covered in tree bark.

And Anonymous wins today's no-prize!

Brooklyn Girl said...

Anonymous was me ... :-)

BG

steve simels said...

Actually, I kinda like the riverboat gambler look that Dylan has been sporting for the past couple of years. I think it suits him.

TMink said...

I think Fah Lo Suee should have been your stay at home mom, but that is just me. 8)

I was turning my then young teenage daughter on to the Clash. She SO loved the music, but when she saw the guys in the band she muttered "Wow, they sure are ugly."

That dude from Black Oak Arkansas was one strange looking fella. We can't forget Llyle Lovett. The Minutemen were no dreamboats either.

Trey

Anonymous said...

All the above mentioned are quite deserving but a friend of mine once tried to turn me on to some awful band by the name of Slade. Not only were they terrible but he showed me the album cover and they have this guy(?) in the band who not only apparently was spawned by a beaver but he had the goofiest haircut I had ever seen. I have no idea what anybody else in that band looked like, you simply couldn't tear your attention away from that train-wreck of humanity.

Maude Lange said...

Luv Slade, but as someone somewhere said about them: "They're the new Beatles, but they're all Ringo!"

Elroy said...

Poor Christopher Cross...it's like a two-day insult! Not necessarily undeserved...

pete said...

Come on, people! Sixteen entires in and we haven't heard a mention of the pride of Provincetown (and I don't mean that in a gay way) - THE BARBARIANS!!!!!


I mean, the drummer only had one hand.

steve simels said...

Two words.

Bob Welch.
:-)

buzzbabyjesus said...

I had up until now managed to forget all about Gino Vanelli. And why pick on Carl Perkins? I nominate Todd Rundgren.

buzzbabyjesus said...

Ever see Ian Hunter without sunglasses? I thought not.

FD13NYC said...

How about Lemmy from Motorhead, yeeesh!

Mrs. Peel said...

The young Joe Cocker.

GLLinMO said...

These days, Alice Cooper does not need any make up to look scary.

cthulhu said...

Jerry Garcia, anyone?

How about Jimmy Page - I recently watched the excellent documentary It Might Get Loud, and the white-haired Page still does that stupid stick-your-lips-out face from The Song Remains the Same...I must admit that Page was less obnoxious in the new documentary than I had expected, though.

Agree with a poster above that Pete Townshend in the early days really did look like a nose on a stick; his face seemed to grow into better proportion later, though, and I think he looks rather distinguished nowadays.

Jack Bruce and Ginger Baker certainly looked like hell in the Cream reunion concerts (and neither was all that good to begin with); it was quite obvious that their socioeconomic status had lagged far behind Eric Clapton.

Dave said...

Flo & Eddie

Newbeats (if you've repressed it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8m1cP0ez_S8)

I love him/them desperately, but Gary Troxell of the Fleetwoods, although not bad looking was an unlikely star for reasons to be found here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7yh6HFKAMs, and if you ever do a female edition, you can look to Gary's left and right.

Jerry Lee said...

Aerosmith, the AARP Rolling Stones with Bill Wyman, Patti Smith, Lyle Lovett, David Johansen, with & without the Dolls

Mrs. Peel said...

Aerosmith, the AARP Rolling Stones with Bill Wyman, Patti Smith, Lyle Lovett, David Johansen, with & without the Dolls

I think Patti Smith is still a chick ...

Joe Walsh.

http://userserve-ak.last.fm/serve/_/12759065/Joe+Walsh+Joe_Walsh.jpg

Jerry Lee said...

You sure?

Uncle Smokes said...

Roger Waters.

[But I'd like a time machine to make a play for the 1972-vintage David Gilmour.]

[Also, too, I add that I look like the love child of Truman Capote and a bag of mutton.]