Monday, June 08, 2015

Your Monday Moment of Musician's Humor

Sadly, true.


Blue Ash Fan said...

How can you tell a drummer is at the door?

The knock speeds up.

steve simels said...


What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

How do you get a guitar player to turn the volume down?
Put a chart in front of him.

Anonymous said...

And, of course, the old one about the difference between God and a lead singer.

God knows he's not the lead singer.

Anonymous said...

What has three legs and an ashole.

A drumstool.

Anonymous said...

What does a stripper do with her asshole before going to work?

Drops him off at the Guitar Center.

Anonymous said...

A man asks the Devil: “How much does it cost to be the greatest guitar player in the world?”
Lucifer: “Give me your Soul…”
The man: “What can I get for a dollar?”
Lucifer: “Greatest bass player in the world..”

Anonymous said...

What do you call a guitar player who only knows two chords?

A music critic.

Anonymous said...

What's the definition of Endless Love?

Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

Brooklyn Girl in Queens said...

And then there's the one about the guy on Safari, who when travelling through the jungle hears some incredible drumming coming from a distance.

Guy: Wow! That's amazing -- let's see if we find it!
Guide: No! We must go now -- when drums stop, big trouble!
Guy: But the drumming sounds amazing, I really want to check it out.
Guide: No -- we must go, when drums stop, get very bad!
Guy: But this is the kind of thing I came here to experience! I really want to hear it!
Guide: No! We must go before drums stop!
Guy: But why? What happens when the drums stop?
Guide: Bass solo!!

h/t ss, from whom I first heard it. :-)

Mark said...

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a bassist?

A: A tattoo.

Anonymous said...

These are the best fucking jokes I've ever heard!!!!!! More, more!!!!!

Capt. Al

Anonymous said...

How does a jazz musician end up with a million dollars?

By starting out with two million dollars.

Anonymous said...

The Lord is my drummer; I shall not rush.
He maketh me to lay out in tasteful places;
He leadeth me beside cool meter changes;
He restoreth my "one."
He leadeth me to the right repeats
For His name's sake.

Yea, though I read through the trickiest road maps,
I will fear no train wrecks;
For Thou art with me;
Thy ride and Thy snare,
They comfort me.

Thou setteth up a solo for me
In the presence of mine guitarists;
Thou annointeth my lines with drive;
My groove overflows.

Surely good feel and swing will follow me
All the tunes of each set;
And I will dwell in the pocket
The whole gig long.

Anonymous said...

How do you get a drummer to play louder?
Ask him to use dynamics.

What are a drummer's last words?
Hey guys, why don't we play one of my tunes?!

What do you call a drummer with only half a brain?

How many drummers does it take to paint a wall red?
It all depends how hard you throw them!

What do you need to make a bass player?
First you take a large piece of cow dung from a field, a very large piece of cow dung. But be careful not to use too much or it turns into a drummer!

How can you tell if a Jazz Guitarist is a dreamer?
He has an agent.

How can you tell if a Jazz Guitarist is insane?
He has an agent and a publicist.

Anonymous said...

What's the difference between a lead singer and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Anonymous said...

Definition of free jazz: a pet shop on fire.

Anonymous said...

Musician: What's your opinion of my latest recording?
Critic: It's worthless!
Musician: I know, but I'd like to hear it anyway.

pete said...

Why did the drummer leave his sticks on the dashboard of his car? So he could park in the handicapped spots.

Through a tenor and a soprano off a cliff at the same time, which will hit the ground first? The tenor. The soprano has to stop and ask for directions.

Anonymous said...

What was John Lennon's last hit?
The pavement.

Anonymous said...

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday. He said it was one of the most violent books he'd ever read

cthulhu said...

Here's a big band / orchestra one I heard from a clarinetist:
What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon? The bassoon burns longer.

How do you tell the drum riser is level? The drool runs out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.
Why are drum machines great? They don't steal your girlfriend.

Anonymous said...

Definition of perfect pitch -

When you toss a clarinet in the toilet without hitting the rim.

Anonymous said...

I'm laughing so hard I almost fell off of my chair! More!!!!

Does someone want to call in and read these on-air on my radio show. These must be shared with the world!!!

Capt. Al

Anonymous said...

what's the difference between an accordion and an onion?

No one cries when you cut up an accordion.....

Anonymous said...

I always heard that perfect pitch was throwing the banjo in the dumpster without hitting the accordion.

Mark said...

When I lived in Sheepshead Bay, the neighborhood was SO tough ...

that we had drive-by bassoon solos!

Anonymous said...

What's the difference between terrorists and accordion players?
Terrorists have sympathizers.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?

What do you call a Chinese blues guitarist?
Blues Lee.

A Vietnamese drummer.

What is the difference between a chick singer and a Porsche?
Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche.

What do you call a female singer with two brain cells?

What advice does a chick singer give her teenage daughter?
If you're not in bed by midnight, come straight back home!

What do you call a chick singer who is a virgin?

Names for sexy backup singers.
Sheila Blige; Eileen Dover; Lotta Head; Norma Stitts, Vera Bedworthy.

How do you make a chainsaw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.

You are in a room with Saddam Hussein, Adolf Hitler, and Kenny G. You have a gun but only two bullets. What do you do?
Shoot Kenny G twice... just to make sure.

Anonymous said...

After a rehearsal session a frustrated chick singer turns to the big band and shouts, "Me and this band have nothing in common."

"Yes we do," replied the band leader. "We are all madly in love with you."

Anonymous said...

What do you get when you throw an accordion from a 10 story building?


Anonymous said...

In the 70's, Peter Cook was hosting a live TV show called Revolver. The Sex Pistols were performing when suddenly someone from the audience jumped up on stage and stuck one on Johnny Rotten. The director immediately switched to Peter Cook who was sitting there drinking tea or something.

Then he said, without hesitation and with perfect timing, "there
you have it ladies and gentlemen, the first instance on live
television of the fan hitting the shit".

Anonymous said...

A guy just bought a new Mercedes. He left the parking lot of the dealership and turned on the radio. Nothing happened.

Furious, he demanded to see the sales manager. He told him,
"When I buy an $80,000 car I expect the fuckin' radio to work, goddamit!"

The sales manager explained to him that the radio was voice activated. All he had to do was tell the radio what kinda music he wanted to hear. Pretty neat stuff.

He got back into the car and said "Country music," and old Willie Nelson started singing.

"Rock and roll," he exclaimed, and immediately Elvis started

"Easy listening," he remarked, and all at once it sounded like
he was in an elevator.

He was relaxed, driving back to his home when a female driver
cuts him off. He controls his temper but before he knows it
another female driver cuts him off.

"Stupid bitches!" he screamed.

The radio immediately blurted out, "So tell me what you want
what you really, really want..."

Anonymous said...

At the end of a gruelling Beatles world tour, John Lennon was being chauffeured back to his home in a stretch limo. "You know", he said to the driver, "I've never driven one of these, could I try it out?"

The driver could hardly refuse. So John settled behind the wheel and the chauffeur climbed into the back. Excited by this new experience, Lennon started to accelerate until the limo was topping 150 km/h. At this point, he saw the flashing lights of a police car in his rearview mirrors and dutifully pulled over. The officer looked at John and stepped back, "Excuse me, Sir," he said, "I'd better call this one in."

The officer radioed headquarters: "Listen Chief, I've just pulled over a really important person and I'm not sure what to do." "Who is it?" asked his chief, "not the Governor again?"

"No, this guy is much more important," said the trooper. "More important than the Governor?" yelled the Chief, "Who the hell is it then?"

"I'm not absolutely certain," said the trooper, "but his chauffeur is John Lennon."

Anonymous said...

What did one Grateful Dead fan say to another after their drugs ran out?

This band SUCKS, man.

Anonymous said...

What has nine arms and sucks.

Def Leppard.

Anonymous said...

Some great ones there, thanks for the laughs!

Anonymous said...

What's the most frequently asked question at a Robin Trower concert?

Where's the chicks?