I’m in a bit of a crisis right now, so posting is likely to be light until I get used to the idea that the lack of minor social graces is enough to sever a relationship of three and a half decades. It’s very hard to get used to the idea that someone you once knew and loved is no longer interested in knowing you, let alone loving you.
I love you, Matt. I wish I could believe that your behavior now is a result of the Manichaean world of fundamentalist Christian alternaculture in which you now dwell, but if I’m honest with myself, I know that’s not the case. Your behavior during my divorce was very much like this—hurtful, cold, unforgiving—and that was long before your immersion in that other world (though it was almost exactly twelve years ago today). I do not know whence the coldness comes, the judgmental narrowness that led you, years ago, to stop listening to Bob Mould because The Daily Show had replaced Mystery Science Theater on Comedy Central. There are other examples as well. But no matter. This is you, and I, all too human and flawed, overwhelmed by school and work and family, have failed to meet your standards. So be it.
I will miss you. You will never see this. But you gave me this song once, a long, long time ago. It will always be yours to me.