Weekend Listomania (Special There is No God! Video Edition)

Well, it's Friday and you know what that means. Yes, my Oriental batman Hop-Sing and I are off to Alaska, where we'll join Governor Sarah Palin at the Wassilla Public Library for her annual browse of some interesting magazines and periodicals.

In any case, since this will be followed by the traditional Moose Roast and Octoberfest, posting by moi will necessarily be somewhat fitful for a few days.

But until then, as always, here's a fun project for you all to contemplate:

The Post-Elvis Pop/Rock Band or Solo Act With a Major Career Whose Popularity Most Remains Mystifying Because They Self-Evidently Suck!!!

No special rules or exceptions here; obviously this is subjective on some level, but in this case all the examples are actually scientifically provable as far as suckitude goes.

Programming note: For those who were wondering, we will return to our ongoing project to work Smashing Pumpkins and Billy Corgan's pretentious cue-ball noggin into every Listomania from now till the end of recorded time with next week's entry.

Okay, that said, my top of my head Top Eight would be:

8. Coldplay



As I said the other day -- are they U2 without the warmth? Spandau Ballet without the sense of humor? Who knows and who cares...if ever a multi-platinum band sucked, it's these guys, and frankly Gwynneth Paltrow should be ashamed of herself for mingling her DNA with that appalling singer.

7. Fall Out Boy



God, these guys are full of themselves. And "This Aint a Scene, It's an Arms Race" is one of the lamest lyric metaphors ever. David Byrne really needs to smack these putzes upside their heads.

6. Celine Dion



Seriously -- I can't even begin to fathom why millions of people actually listen to her CDs for pleasure. Is earnest sexlessness really that much fun? Honest, I just don't fricking get it...

5. Justin Timberlake



For some reason -- that he's funny in movies, or something -- it's now considered plausible in certain circles to defend this nit as an interesting all-around entertainer, like he's the Sammy Davis Jr of his generation, except whiter and with two eyes. I can only conclude it's some kind of weird Gen-Y kitsch thing, like the Tony Bennett on MTV Mania of the 90s.

4. Sean Combs (or whatever his name is at the moment)



A credit to his wallet? Perhaps. But as far as music goes, he deserves a special circle in Hell for that appalling remake of "Every Breath You Take" alone.

3. Oasis



Do they have even a remotely listenable singer? Is there a single interesting instrumentalist in the band? Have they ever written even a moderately memorable song? The answer to all of those is "Fuck no," IMHO.

2. Madonna



"Last night I dreamt of some bagels..." The great singer/songwriter/guitarist Peter Blegvad said it best of Ms. Ciccone: "A teaspoon of talent."

And the number one "why the fuck are they huge?" act , it's so obvious it's unarguable so don't even bother to suggest somebody else or I swear to god I'll mess you up, is ---

1. Gloria Estefan



Keith Richards nailed her in an interview some years back: "A Holiday Inn lounge act that got lucky."

Awrighty then -- what would your choices be?

[Shameless Blogwhore: My parallel Cinema Listomania (theme: cool gangster flicks) is now up over at Box Office. As always, if you could go over there and leave a comment, an angel get its wings.]