In any case, posting by moi will necessarily be sporadic for a few days.
But in my absence, here's a fun project for you all to contemplate:
Most Inexplicably Fricking Huge Post-Beatles Hit Single!!!!!!
Obviously, the flip side (as it were) of last week's shoulda-been-bigger-hits Listomania. This time we're talking about the record(s) whose massive chart success merely flummoxes you or (worst case scenario) actually strikes you as some kind of crime against nature. Something so butt ugly or moronic that after hearing it you despair of being human.
You know -- some piece of shlock pop fluff that got lucky.
Okay, here's my top of my head Top Nine:
9. Rihanna -- Umbrella
Gorgeous woman, lousy singer, skull-crushingly annoying song.
8. James Blunt - Goodbye My Lover
I don't think I've ever heard a note from this guy that didn't make me want to go "What the fuck is that shit?". But this one is REALLY beyond the pale....
7. The Royal Guardsman -- Snoopy Versus the Red Baron
If memory serves, I'd never seen what these guys looked like before finding this clip. But after viewing their moronically grinning mugs here I find myself even more annoyed by the song than ever. Frightening Fact: The original group reformed in 2006 to record "Snoopy Versus Osama," which is a big fave on the Dr. Demento Show, or so I hear.
6. Celine Dion -- My Heart Will Go On
Apparently, the deal with this song is that she's recommending low-fat snacks and a heart-healthy diet rich in beta carotene. Other than that, I think it's inexcusable on a purely aural level.
5. Meat Loaf -- I Would Do Anything For Love
Seven goddamn minutes long, and when it's over you still have no idea exactly what he's talking about when he says "I won't do that." Take out the garbage? Vote Republican? Divulge the secret formula that makes Orange Julius so devilishly delicious? C'mon, help us out here, Meat.
4. Pat Benatar -- Love is a Battlefield
You know, it occurs to me that this may not actually be the worst song ever written, but that the video is just so hilariously awful that it merely seems like it is. The dueling dancing hookers at the end are a particularly ghastly touch either way, of course.
3. The Poppy Family -- Which Way You Going Billy?
Unspeakably icky, even for Canadians. And the drummer overplays, criminally.
2. Colbie Callat -- Bubbly
Perhaps the lamest song of perhaps the lamest pop music decade since the halcyon days of Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods. Seriously, if the world was to come to an end tomorrow and I was forced to reflect on the 21st century, I would probably echo Isaac Bashevis Singer on the 20th: "On balance, a complete flop."
And the number one biggest piece of crap to become a gigantic hit apres the British Invasion, there's really no argument about this even remotely possible, obviously is --
1. Tommy James and the Shondells -- Hanky Panky
A crappy 1963 throwaway b-side becomes a huge hit during 1966, arguably the most creatively exciting year in the history of 20th century pop music, thus proving there is no God. I have decided, however, that there is a certain karmic payback in the fact that James, seen here performing it live in 2005, has been fated to warble the damn thing more times than Judy Garland sang "Over the Rainbow."
Okay -- so what would your choices be?
[Shameless Blogwhore: My parallel Cinema Listomania (theme: underrated director or star whose work most deserves a second look re-evaluation) is now up over at Box Office. As always, if you could see your way over there to leave a comment, it would keep me in good with management. Thanks!]