Friday, April 04, 2008

Weekend Listomania (Special They're Gonna Put Me in the Movies Video Edition)

Well, it's Friday and you know what that means. Yes, my Oriental rentboy amanuensis Hop-Sing and I will be shuttling between Hollywood, London and southern Florida on some sort of Medicine Cabinets of the Stars tour. I'm not really sure what this is all about, concept wise, but apparently we'll be visiting the actual bathrooms of Robert Downey Jr, Amy Winehouse, Pete Doherty and Rush Limbaugh (hey -- what's he doing in there?).

In any case, as a result, posting by moi will necessarily be somewhat fitful for a few days.

But until then, as always, here's a fun project for you all to contemplate:


Just to make this clear -- the song has to predate the movie. Title songs written specifically for films, like "A Hard Day's Night" or "Jailhouse Rock" don't count. Conversely, a song that provided a title for a good movie -- "Peggy Sue Got Married," say -- is off limits as well. Try to sneak any of that crap by me and I swear to god I'll take a hostage.

Okay, that said, here's my totally top of my head Top Eight:

8. Satisfaction

Justine Bateman stars as an extremely lame 80s indie rocker. There's a word for this, and I believe it's "Ack."

7. Message in a Bottle

From this year, actually, although it came and went pretty quickly. Basically, it's like a very damp version of an old Rock Hudson/Doris Day sex farce. Biggest laugh is Kate Hudson wacking Matthew McConaughey in the face with a golf club, which should tell you all you need to know.

6. Pretty Woman

I know a lot of people like this movie, and Richard Gere and Julia Roberts are obviously easy on the eyes, but really -- she's not some high class courtesan, she's an LA street walker. The idea that anybody would attempt to glamorize such a life, even in a romantic fairytale, just strikes me as moronic, if not downright morally reprehensible.

5. Can't Buy Me Love

"Ronald Miller is tired of being a nerd, and makes a deal with one of the most popular girls in school to help him break into the "cool" clic. He offers her a thousand dollars to pretend to be his girlfriend for a month. It succeeds, but he soon learns that the price of popularity may be higher than he expected..."

About as bad as it sounds, although it's kind of amusing to see Patrick "Dr. McDreamy" Dempsey as a zygote.

4. My Blue Heaven

Steve Martin as an Italian mobster in the Witness Protection program in some whitebread suburb. Yeah, sure, I'll buy that.

3. Jumpin' Jack Flash

Whoopi Goldberg, mugging shamelessly, gets mistaken for a secret agent in a film that recalls "North By Northwest" if it had been directed by a moron. The pic's video promo, featuring Aretha Franklin and Keith Richards, is better than anything in the movie itself, but that's not really saying much.

2. She's the One

I like Edward Burns, but he earned numerous demerits from me for turning Springsteen's grandest ode to romantic obsession into a sentimental meditation on immature dorks with relationship problems.

And the number one, hands down, it's not even a fricking contest for crissakes, best song whose title was appropriated for a really awful flick is -----

1. Soul Man

Spoiled brat white teen dons blackface to get a scholarship to Harvard. Racist swill, obviously, and easily one of the top ten appalling films of the 80s (and that's not even taking into account that its star is C. Thomas Howell).

Alrighty now -- what would your choices be?


Roadmaster said...

"Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band."

Bee Gees movie?!?!

'Nuff said.

TJWood said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
TJWood said...

Not really a big movie buff, so I had to go online to do so. I found a site on 1980s movies named after pop songs, and, while I can't claim to have seen any of these movies, none of them have been exactly hailed as cinematic masterpieces

1) Pretty in Pink (Psychedelic Furs)

2) Sixteen Candles (The Crests)

Both Molly Ringwald brat-pack era films, neither remembered for their string of Oscar nominations. For the Furs song, I prefer the original over the slicked-up remake for the film.

3) Staying Alive (The Bee Gees)

This flirts with breaking one of your rules, since the song was written for the film this was a sequel to (Saturday Night Fever, of course). Staying Alive was every bit a bomb as SNF was a hit.

4) Girls Just Want To Have Fun (Cyndi Lauper)

Apparently, a 1985 Sarah Jessica Parker/Helen Hunt chick flick. Didn't think so.

5) This choice didn't come from the website: Roxanne (The Police)

The Steve Martin film about Cyrano de Bergerac's Roxanne, not the French prostitute Sting sang about. Again, never saw it, but don't recall the reviews being particularly glowing.

Mike said...

Now I guess it's guilty-pleasure time: I liked both Roxanne and Can't Buy Me Love a lot. But I think I was like 19 when they came out, and wasn't yet so discriminating in my taste in movies.

Was that Can't Hardly Wait movie any good?

And is it fair to pick JLL's Breathless in reference to the Richard Gere remake?

emma said...

Liar, Liar (The Castaways) - (I just don't like Jim Carrey movies)

steve simels said...

I'm not sure how I feel about those John Hughes movies...I'm a little too old for them to be my nostalgia, but I didn't hate them either.

But I don't think Roxanne is really fair. Given that it's the name of a character in the original play an's more of a coincidence than an homage is what I'm saying...Also, I think it's a really good film.

Brooklyn Girl said...

"Beyond the Sea" - although I think I'm reacting more to Spacey's live Darin tribute show than the movie. He opened his mouth, sang one note, and I knew I was in for a miserable evening. He must have had some major electronic help for the film ...

Cleveland Bob said...

Roxanne is a fine film. Shot entirely on location in beautiful Nelson, BC. Lovely spot.

Now to the topic at hand. Yet again, I'll add some local Clevburg flavor to the mix with what I believe to be a perfect choice for this category.

My selection is The Light Of Day with Joan Jett, Michael McKean, Gena Rowlands and Michael J. Fox.

A saccharine and horrible film shot mostly around Cleveland with a pretty decent Bruuuuce tune as the closing anthem.

steve simels said...

Springsteen wrote "Light of Day" for the film, if I recall. I don't think it was around before....


Cleveland Bob said...

I think you're correct, Steve.

Cleveland Bob said...


Mea Culpa, mon frere.

Gummo said...

Well, there's a 1999 film called "Brokedown Palace," the title of one of the Grateful Dead's prettier ballads, but according to IMDB, it's actually a pretty good movie.

Whatever, the whole idea still rubs me the wrong way.

David said...

Steve Miller's "The Joker" was the inspiration behind the 1996 Jon Cryer vehicle "The Pompatus of Love" --even though the movie wasn't called The Joker. And I don't think I have to have seen it to say it sucked. Apparently the pompatus comes from a song called "The Letter" by the Medallions. Y'heard that one, Steve?

Brooklyn Girl said...

Well, I know this is a real stretch (so sue me), in part because it's an entire album and it is an "opera", but when "Tommy" was written, I doubt that The Who thought it would not only be made into a shitty movie, it would also be an even shittier Broadway show.

David said...

It's a stretch, but what's not to like about stretching? Pete Townsend was always ambitious, so he probably imagined that the movie and theatrical versions of Tommy would be revolutionary works of art, but his collaborators did him in; alas, Ken Russell and Des McNuff were no Keith, John and Roger... Ann-Margaret was good though.

preznit said...

Love Potion #9

The Kenosha Kid said...

Brokedown Palace did, in fact suck.

But my choice is Feeling Minnesota, from a line in the Soundgarden song Outshined.

Cangrejero said...

Not a perfect pick, but the title of the movie "Sleepwalkers" was taken from "Sleepwalk" and was absolutely terrible.

Cangrejero said...

Oh, and how about another not perfect pick in "Johnny Be Good". What an awful, awful movie.

L'Atalante said...

Heartbreak Hotel even pretended to drag the real Elvis into it.

racymind said...

Nice category dude!

The movie "Sea of Love" was a little lame, but it had Pacino and John Goodman in it.

I remember a bad 70's move called "FM" that had the Steely Dan song in it.

If they have turned "Afternoon Delight" into a movie, I ain't looking it up on IMDB.

But the category was BEST song... so I bow out.

Karin said...

Johnny B. Goode
Actually I never saw the movie, but I don't believe it's very memorable.

Anonymous said...

Less Than Zero

steve simels said...

Afternoon Delight?

kill me now...

steve simels said...

David said...
Apparently the pompatus comes from a song called "The Letter" by the Medallions. Y'heard that one, Steve?

Good lord, no. I'll have to research that one.

The things you know...

David said...

Aw, I just saw it on Wikipedia when I went to confirm that Pompatus of Love was indeed a Jon Cryer vehicle...but i'd love to hear the original.

L'Atalante said...

Cecil Adams of "The Straight Dope" did a column on the origins of the pompatus of love some time ago. I don't know how to link to the column itself, but go to the Straight Dope site, search "Steve Miller," and the info is there.

dave™© said...

BTW, "FM" was written esp. for that movie by Fagan and Becker.

And yes, the movie sucked. Big. Time.

Anonymous said...

"Who'll Stop the Rain" was a pretty disappointing adaptation of Robert Stone's "Dog Soldiers," but I don't think it can displace the ones you've listed.

Carry on.


Bill Kopp said...

Well, "Iron Man isn't out yet. Ask again after that...

"The Song Remains the Same" is pretty lame.