Friday, June 18, 2021

Weekend Listomania: Special "There's No Accounting For Taste!" Video Edition

[I originally posted this in 2009, back when this blog and the world were young. I've done a bit of re-writing, and I've swapped out several of the songs, all to make me seem less like the slacker I self-evidently am. In any case, enjoy! -- S.S.]

Well, it's Friday and you know what that means. Yes, my Asian fille de nuit manual catharsis manager Fah Lo Suee and I will be travelling to Washington, D.C., where we'll be staying at the spartanly-appointed digs of Sen. Lindsey Graham for some kind of stimulus package thing. Apparently, it involves my pants, but I'm not really sure what might be on the agenda above and beyond that.

In any case, posting by moi will necessarily be sporadic for a few days.

But in my absence, here's a fun project for us all to contemplate:

Most Inexplicably Fricking Hugely Successful Post-British Invasion Hit Singles of All Time!!!!

No arbitrary rules, but obviously we're talking about records whose massive chart success merely flummoxes you or (worst case scenario) actually strike you as some kind of crime against nature. Something so butt ugly or knuckle-draggingly stupid that after hearing it you despair of being human.

Or, you know -- just some piece of shlock pop fluff that got lucky.

And my totally Top of My Head Top Ten in the Hit Parade of Hell is --

10. Neil Diamond -- I Am I Said

"But no one heard at all/Not even the chair."

In the immortal words of Dave Barry: "Mr. Diamond, your Barcalounger on line three."

9. The Royal Guardsman -- Snoopy Vs. the Red Baron

If memory serves, I'd never seen what these guys looked like before finding this clip. But after viewing their moronically grinning mugs here I find myself even more annoyed by the song than ever. Frightening Fact: The original group reformed in 2006 to record "Snoopy Versus Osama," which was a big fave on the Dr. Demento Show, or so I hear.

8. Rihanna -- Umbrella

Gorgeous woman, lousy singer, skull-crushingly annoying song.

7. James Blunt -- Goodbye My Lover

I don't think I've ever heard a note from this guy that didn't make me want to go "What the fuck is that shit?". But this one is REALLY beyond the pale....

6. Celine Dion -- My Heart Will Go On

Apparently, the deal with this song is that she's recommending low-fat snacks and a heart-healthy diet rich in beta carotene. Other than that, I think it's inexcusable on a purely aural level.

5. Meat Loaf -- I'd Do Anything For Love

Seven plus goddamn minutes long, and when it's over you still have no idea exactly what he's talking about when he says "I won't do that." Take out the garbage? Vote Democratic? Divulge the secret formula that makes Orange Julius so devilishly delicious? C'mon, help us out here, Meat.

4. Megan Thee Stallion -- Savage

Never trust a woman -- or anybody -- who goes on Saturday Night Live and lip-synchs. Especially if the song is a piece of crap to begin with.

3. Billie Eilish -- Bad Guy

See: Stallion, Megan Thee.

2. Colbie Caillat -- Bubbly

Perhaps the lamest song of perhaps the lamest pop music decade (The Aughts) since the halcyon days of Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods. Seriously, if the world was to come to an end tomorrow and I was forced to reflect on the 21st century, I would probably echo Isaac Bashevis Singer on the 20th: "On balance, a complete flop."

And the number one biggest piece of crap to become a gigantic hit apres the British Invasion, there's really no argument about this even remotely possible, obviously is...

1. Mike Douglas -- The Men in My Little Girl's Life

Creepy back when it came out in 1966; unspeakably creepy now.

Alrighty then -- what would YOUR choices be?

And have a great weekend, everybody!


edward said...

So many songs (every hit by Billy Joel) so little time.

The two that come instantly to mind
I've Never Been To Me by Charlene
You're Having My Baby by Paul Anka

I've Never Been To Me holds a special place in my heart because in the first issue of the Moonie Washington Times there was a column by Phyllis Schlafly praising the song as the perfect takedown of feminism. I was so hoping Phyllis would stay on as their rock critic, but it turned out it was just a one off.

As for Paul Anka, just fuck that shit.

Gummo said...

My Sharona by The Knack - that riff makes me want to jam long steel needles in my ears.

Roxanne by The Police - just because. Hated this song from Day One, still do.

I second Having My Baby. OMFG.

Jeremy by Pearl Jam. Jeez, lighten up, will ya? Since when is rock'n'roll about public therapy sessions? Another one I hated from the git-go, its popularity mystified me.

Mary Had a Little Lamb by Paul McCartney. Yeah, maybe the la-la chorus was catchy, but really? You're Paul Fucking McCartney, have some self respect! But it was everywhere for a short while.

Charlie said...

You have something there - 40 seconds was the longest i could last on any of those songs.

Billy B said...

Honey by Bobby Goldsboro. Talk about your big pieces of $#!+

Daddy Don't You Walk So Fast by Wayne Newton

We Are the Champions by Queen

Seasons in the Sun by Terry Jacks. Another depressing POS

Alzo said...

'Rock the Casbah.' Come on, you're the world's greatest rock band and THIS is your breakout hit in the States?!?!

Also, 'The Night Chicago Died' making it to number 1 in my hometown is an all-time low.

CW McCall 'Convoy.' Another number 1. Kids, I'm not making this up...

pete said...

"I Am Woman" - I understand why it was a hit, but, to quote a delicious parody by Atlanta demigods Darryl Rhodes and the Hahavishnu Orchestra: "You can print it/You can quote it/The truth is/My husband wrote it."

Wendy said...

The aptly named “Something Stupid” by that father and daughter team ... Frank and Nancy Something ...

daudder said...

They all kinda are realized fully.. said...

SC guy here
Not a music post, just an observation.
You are really staying at Sen. Lindsey
Grahams abode ?
Somewhere, somehow there is a
"Garden of Good and Evil" there

M_Sharp said...

I agree with almost everything so far!

"We Built This City"

"One Of Us"

"Gangnam Style" - The video was worse than the song.


"A Horse With No Name"

"Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?" - never going back to Gasoline Alley no more