Thursday, January 17, 2013

Let's Hunt Down and Kill Diane Warren: An Occasional Series

Ladies and gentlemen, please endure the opening credits to Enterprise, the last Star Trek TV spin-off to date, and courtesy of the deeply satanic Diane Warren, not just the Worst Song Ever Written, but the Worst Song That Will Ever BE Written.



I don't even know where to begin in describing the sheer awfulness of that, although I will say that the phrase "faith of the heart" may be the most clueless use of four otherwise straightforwardly understandable words in the history of the galaxy word salad. I should add that in the last two seasons of the show, they replaced this version with a more power-ballady mix that's actually even worse, but I won't inflict that one on you at this point.

I should also add that Diane Warren is the most successful songwriter of all time who's never written a song of any value other than to her bank balance, with a string of hit songs several pages long -- and each and every one of them is a) skull-crushingly annoying and b) totally lacking in any quality that makes them otherwise stick in your memory.

Seriously, read this list of her songs here and tell me you recall any of them enough to hum them.

UPDATE: I just discovered that Simon Pegg -- who plays Mr. Scott in the new J.J. Abrams flicks -- totally agrees with me on this.

"I think that the theme music to Enterprise was probably the most hideous Star Trek moment in history. I couldn’t believe that they had this great idea of sort of pre-Kirk/Spock Star Trek, and they gave it a dreadful soft-rock music start. It just seemed so ill-advised. I mention Admiral Archer [in 2009’s Star Trek]—it isn’t struck off because of the terrible music. Scotty actually mentions him. But [the theme music] is terrible. I’ve never seen Enterprise, because I couldn’t get past that music. It would still be ringing in my ears when the show starts.

21 comments:

Susie from Philly said...

You're right, I can't remember more than one or two of those songs.

Jerry Lee said...

The song's a perfect match for the horrible video.

Sal Nunziato said...

Jeez. Diane Warren's song titles alone are cringemaking. "Activate Your Love?" Isn't that from "Ishtar?"

J. Loslo said...

Hah! I watched a few episodes of that show, and I always kept it on mute until the credits were over. Was it written specifically for the show? I suppose I might figure that out by listening to it, but I'm not going to do that.

joe p said...

'you make me rock hard when you tell me where it hurts' by kiss the real milli vanilli is a big favorite of mine.

Gummo said...

A truly awful theme for a truly awful show. What's the problem?

steve simels said...

Well, actually, I like the show. And I think that opening montage is great, visually.

But that song...

buzzbabyjesus said...

That is the ugliest bullshit I've ever heard.

VM said...

The song she co-wrote for Roy Orbison's "Mystery Girl" album isn't COMPLETELY wretched:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gy0YG6EBKTM

Anonymous said...

Agree for the most part but always dug this song which doesn't seem to be on the list of her songs you posted.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vL2JEia4xtU

Hannes A. Jónsson said...

Apparently, the original version of this soulless dross was recorded by one Roderick Stewart. No big surprise there...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Faith_of_the_Heart

MJConroy said...

Another reason to hate your TV: http://www.avclub.com/articles/smash-producers-creating-another-musical-series-ab,86287/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=imdb

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Yeah, I always kind of liked the montage. But why they didn't use an orchestral score like every other ST series is beyond me.

Myself, I find the theme song enough to explain why the series never went beyond the fourth season.

steve simels said...

I must confess that against my better judgement I am ordinately fond of the song she contributed to Dion's Dave Edmunds-produced YO FRANKIE album.

But I suspect that's because the performance is so good it elevates the song...

Alzo said...

Glad to hear that the Budweiser "Real American Heroes" singer has found work.

DB said...

For Aerosmith's turgid "I Don't Wanna Lose a Thing" alone, she deserves to be shipped to a tiny island off the Antarctic coast.

Haik Mendelovich said...

Agree about the horrendous opening track. It's exactly as bad as Tina Turner's stuff in Mad Max 3.

ST:E was a great show, killed before its time.

Although the "terrorist" storyline arc was not great, some individual episodes are as good as anything in the entire series.

In particular, "In a Mirror, Darkly" is just flat-out excellent.

Haik Mendelovich said...

Forgot to mention - after the shocking opening of "Mirror", there is an alternate, "classical" score in the opening credits - which is far, far superior.

steve simels said...

Haik -- that whole arc was the high point of the series, I think. Although the stuff with Brent Spiner was pretty cool.

And the episode where T'Pol invents velcro. :-)

Kevin Walsh said...

She did co-write Too Much Passion, which got the Smithereens in the Top 40.

Greyhoundude said...

She wrote "Some Hearts," which was covered by Marshall Crenshaw. OK song, pretty good hook.